


Same Man I Was Before

by khunumu



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Drug Use, M/M, Past Relationship(s), emetophobia warning, hxhrpbb2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:21:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27319900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/khunumu/pseuds/khunumu
Summary: Nobunaga was loud and prideful and disgustingly stubborn. He was full of himself, but in a way that was fun to be around. He used to be fun to be around.It had been five months since Uvogin died.
Relationships: Nobunaga Hazama/Shalnark
Kudos: 15





	Same Man I Was Before

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Hunter x Hunter Rare Pair Big Bang. Really happy to finally post this :).
> 
> TW for alcohol and marijuana use and a vomit scene. Nothing detailed but just in case.

Shalnark was not a particularly empathetic person.

He was cold, and calculating, and blunt. A born Manipulator in any sense. He tweaked and poked and pulled at people, dissected them, probed their brains like it was his job. In a way, it was, as it befitted his position as one of the Troupe's informants. What mattered, as he figured over the past near decade of working for the Spider's, was that the Boss had a use for him. He didn't have direction before Chrollo. He didn't have a meaning. He didn't even exist.

Shalnark didn't do emotions, especially not his own. He didn't do relationships, except for maybe the occasional hookup where he'd vacate the premises immediately after. Emotions dulled the senses. How was he supposed to think logically with his judgement clouded by fear, or jealousy, or sadness? He could succumb to the baseline urges like socialization and a desire to be needed and arousal. But he never let them control him. He was the controller, the manipulator, the mastermind.

That's what he told himself, anyway, knuckles whitening as his grip on the steering wheel grew stronger. He hated Yorknew City roads, always broken and too curvy and crowded. People would run across the street with no care, expecting him to stop for them. The downpour didn't help. As the car began hydroplaning for the nth time, headlights reflecting off the puddles on the pavement, he glanced over at his passenger.

Nobunaga was not the same as he used to be. What seemed like forever ago, he was grumpy and angry but still managed to laugh, he'd drink every night without shame and burp loudly and pick fights with any Troupe member that looked at him funny. He was loud and prideful and disgustingly stubborn. He was full of himself, but in a way that was fun to be around. He used to be fun to be around.

It had been five months since Uvogin died.

Shalnark knew the mourning process. He'd been through death, he knew what to expect. But he wasn't ready for Nobunaga to turn into… this.

When the Troupe found out Uvogin was probably dead, he'd cried, but still found it in him to laugh and smile a little, and drink with the others, maybe a little bit more than usual. A few weeks passed, and Uvo didn't come home, and suddenly everything dropped. Nobunaga went to sleep drunk and woke up pale and sweaty, any light in his eyes gone, trembling against the rocky floor. After that, he stopped talking as much, didn't really participate in Troupe activities, sat by himself and fiddled with his sword. It all made Shalnark want to scream. He'd experienced death, he'd killed people and watched people be killed and felt the backlash of it, but he never let it affect him. He wanted to grab Nobunaga by the shoulders and scream at him, tell him to grow the fuck up and move on and that acting like a depressed sack of shit wasn't going to bring Uvo back. He didn't get it, and that made him angrier.

Ah, rage. That was an emotion Shalnark wasn't used to. His grip on the steering wheel lessoned. He took a deep breath, and decided he would ignore that.

Glancing over again at Nobunaga, he cleared his throat to grab his attention. Nobu's hazel eyes were still dull, dropping down like he hadn't slept in years. The whites were a dull red. Shalnark didn't remember the last time he saw the Enhancer sober.

Shalnark was not really charismatic, was not good at making people like him. He was too blunt to compliment properly, or flirt in the right way. He could lie, he could talk his way around someone, but he wasn't a people person.

"I really hate Yorknew," he smiled. Nobu's eye twitched. Shalnark kept going.

"All the people here are so weird! They think they're so much better than us. Plus they don't even know how to drive. In a way, I kinda can't wait to get back to Meteor." He glanced over again. "Don't you agree?"

Nobunaga blinked slowly, then stared down at the seat between them. "Are you… asking me if I hate Yorknew?"

"I suppose."

His hands were restless in his oversized jeans, fingers bunching up fabric and twisting them over and over and over again, leaving wrinkles and stretching the denim out. His fidgeting was starting to bother Shalnark. He wished he'd just sit still.

"Yeah, of course I do."

"Of course you do," Shalnark echoed, and the conversation ended there. Internally, he beat himself. He was supposed to be making Nobu feel better, not… whatever that was. He mentally reigned himself back in, breathed deep, and kept driving.

The bar they arrived at was dingy, tucked into the ground between two bigger concrete buildings. It was dimly lit and glowed a bright yellow in the rain. Outside on the street, hiding under the canopy, were three men smoking. They nodded at the pair as they made their way inside.

While they were making their way to the bar, Nobunaga finally spoke up. "How the hell'd you even find this place." Shalnark could hardly hear him over the music blasting through the room.

"I don't know. Just looked up dive bars and picked one at random." The room was hazy and the neon lights seemed to mix together against the brown walls, the brown floor, the brown furniture. The stools at the bar had a soft red cushion that scratched at Shalnark's ass through his pants. It wasn't comfortable, but it wasn't bad.

Nobunaga shuffled in next to him, not looking very excited to be here. He didn't even look like he was here, not mentally at least. Shalnark felt a lump form in his stomach, twisting in the same way Nobu's jeans were twisted, and he glanced away towards the back of the bar. He didn't usually feel worried, but there was something about Nobunaga's state that made him uneasy.

The bartender was a handsome woman, who took care of their orders quickly. Shalnark asked for a cocktail, but Nobu just wanted a lager.

"Don't want anything tastier?" Shalnark asked, watching the bartender place the light orange drink in front of his companion. Her hands almost fit around the glass.

"I'm not in the mood for fruity," and he took a sip, some foam left over on his overgrown mustache. He hadn't shaved in weeks.

Shalnark was not afraid to admit he was attracted to his companion, well, not afraid to admit it to himself anyway. He'd thought about making a move in the past but always pulled out before he could, deciding it was definitely not a good time to do so. Seemingly it was never a good time. He watched as Nobunaga chugged about half the glass down in one swig, and turned back to his own drink. Maybe now was not a good time, either.

Well, he was emotionally vulnerable, right? As much as Shalnark was annoyed by Nobu's depressive state he knew he could use it to his advantage. His companion was probably desperate for someone to be there for him, to keep pushing back when he pushed away. He took a tiny sip of his drink, lost in thought. That one word rang in his head, advantage. Was he… taking advantage of his friend? Technically yes, but how far was he going? It was never something Shalnark had been hesitant to do before; most people were a means to an end for him. But the Troupe was not most people, especially not Nobunaga.

He wasn't expecting to walk away from this night having gotten laid, it was actually pretty low on his priorities list, and looking over at the Enhancer he could tell sex was definitely the last thing that man needed right now. Once again Shalnark mentally beat himself for even thinking of the topic. He was better than that, right? Right?

Something must have shown through, because Nobunaga let out a loud grunt to grab Shalnark's attention. He looked rather annoyed.

"Are you going to talk or did you drag me out here to waste my time." Shalnark almost made a face at him, but managed to hold it in. Waste your time? he asked himself. Fuck, what else have you been doing lately?

But in a way, he had a point. Shal didn't just bring him here to sit around and sulk and get drunk. Okay, maybe get drunk, but this was supposed to be for Nobunaga.

"Sorry," was all he said, not entirely sure where to go from that. He sat staring, trying to think of what to say, before he was beat to it.

"You never told me why you invited me out," Nobunaga mumbled, taking another drink of his lager.

"I just…." Shalnark glanced down, trying to consider his next words. "Want to try to make you happy." On the outside he put on one of his dazzling smiles, but internally he was cringing. Did that sound too cheesy? Probably, but Nobunaga made no indication it was. He huffed.

"By taking me to some bar to drink?"

Shalnark made a face. "No, by actually getting you out."

"I was just out at Greed Island." He slammed back the rest of his lager and when his gaze came back down, it held a spark of frustration, more than usual. He was so damn stubborn.

"That doesn't count."

"Why not?" His tone seemed to grow angry.

"Because," Shalnark hissed back at him, quiet so that no one around could hear. "That was for a mission to help the Boss." Copying his companion, Shal chugged the rest of his cocktail and made a face at the taste. "When was the last time you took time for yourself?"

"When the fuck did you start caring?" Nobunaga growled through clenched teeth.

In a way he made a point. When did Shalnark start caring? He thought earlier about how he was taking advantage of Nobunaga's emotional state and actually kind of doubted himself. If he just wanted something for himself out of the Enhancer, why was he putting up with his shitty attitude in a shitty bar drinking shitty alcohol?

Eventually, Shalnark reminded himself that just because he couldn't emphasize well didn't mean he couldn't care. He was capable of both, but he wasn't… used to them. It was a weird feeling in the pit of his stomach, looking at Nobunaga's angry, torn up face and actually giving a shit about why he felt that way. Shalnark glanced down at his hands in his lap, which were gripping at the hem of his shirt. He cared for the Boss, a lot, but that was normal, that was part of the job. He cared for the wellbeing of the Troupe, wanted to see them all succeed and live as good of lives as a group of murderous thieves could live, but usually it didn't extend to individual members. He felt his face flush.

"I always did." It was a half life. He didn't know that he'd always cared, but there was a small voice in the back of his head that told him that. That beneath the deep seated trauma and learned indifference and coldness he had that soft spot, for Nobunaga specifically. He squirmed in his seat as the Enhancer's piercing glare continued to rain down on him, not sure what to say to get it to stop lest he have to deal with another outburst.

Finally, Nobunaga relented and slumped over in his seat, waving his hand. "Buy me another drink, will you?"

"Gladly."

Even through the concrete walls, Shalnark could hear the downpour outside. It sounded like it had increased since they'd arrived, and in the distance was a single clap of thunder. Briefly, he worried about driving home inebriated, but them chided himself. Do not doubt your own reflexes, he thought.

Nobunaga had shot through two more lagers, and though the bartender had been reluctant to give him anymore, he was holding his alcohol surprisingly well. Probably a high tolerance from months of drinking every day, Shalnark thought to himself, instead sipping a water quietly between drinks. They'd actually managed some good chat between them, mostly beating around the bush before Shalnark dipped his toe into deeper water, quickly shut down by the brick wall that was his companion's emotional state.

"Hey," Nobu said, words ever so slightly slurred, interrupting their conversation about some older mission he'd been on. His eyes had cleared up considerably, the bags also seeming to have lightened up a tiny bit. Shalnark wondered if he was more successful then he'd anticipated.

"What?"

"What time is it?"

Shal pulled out his phone and checked, tucking it away quickly. "Quarter to twelve."

"Okay. I'm gonna go smoke real quick." Nobunaga stood from the bar seat, stretching his back straight and swinging his arms to try and loosen some tension. He paused there biting the inside of his cheek like he was considering something. Shalnark waited patiently, taking his time to notice how Nobunaga's oversized shirt hung off his broad shoulders. He could barely make out his lean chest before everything below became a sea of fabric and air. The front read MOE'S MECHANICS in dull blue, and Shal wondered where he'd got it.

"Wanna join me?" Nobu finally said after a few seconds, and his companion was a little taken aback. Shalnark had been the one pulling him along all night, but now he was finally making the first move. Is that progress? Shalnark wondered to himself.

"I don't smoke. Either substance." Nobunaga smiled, but only the tiniest bit, more like the corners of his mouth flinched at lightning speed.

"I mean stand outside with me."

"...Yeah, sure."

In the alleyway behind the bar, the yellow street lights illuminated the brick walls and the puddles. Rain still came down hard and loud, with the rare flash of lightning followed by the boom of thunder. They stood under the buildings outcropping, Nobunaga smoking what must've been a mixture of tobacco and marijuana from the smell of it, Shalnark leaning against the wall playing on his phone.

Nobu hadn't taken his gaze off the dumpster across the alley from them, his eyes distant and cloudy, and Shalnark wondered if that was the drug or just… him. The Enhancer let out a dry cough and dropped the butt onto the soaking wet ground, grinding his shoe to really make sure the ember was extinguished.

Shalnark smiled. "I think the rain would've taken care of that for you, no need to ruin your boots y'know." Nobunaga huffed and lifted up his foot to show off the bottom of the shoe, which had burn marks and smears of ash all over the bottom.

"I think it's a little late for that," he mumbled, but it was good natured, and it made Shalnark feel a bit better.

"How are you feeling?" He asked, putting down the phone. Against the street lights and dark brick walls, Nobunaga seemed to sway on his feet, like the leaves on a tree during summer. He sighed.

"Fucked up," he grumbled, before squatting down and tucking his head between his knees. "Maybe I shouldn't have smoked that," he groaned from the ground, and Shalnark moved to squat down next to him. He felt a little awkward, not sure exactly what to do, resigning to placing a gentle hand between the other's shoulder blades and rubbing. 

"I'm, um, I'm sorry."

When Nobunaga looked up, the tips of his jet black hair flicked some dirty water around, and Shalnark realised it'd been sitting on the ground. It curtained Nobu's face, only allowing Shal to see the tiniest bit of him. He looked worse than earlier, eyes blood red and glossy with tears. Shalnark did his best not to fall back on his ass in shock, not quite sure how to react to the sudden mood change. He felt a discomfort rise in his belly again, but unlike the one from earlier, it made him frantic, like he was about to be sick, like he should just leave. He didn't want to deal with this right now, but knew it was his job to do so. The hand on the back of Nobunaga's back seemed to burn and he wanted to pull away like he'd touched a red hot stove, but he kept it there, taking sharp inhales through his nose to ignore it. Every other inhale was punctuated by a deep, shuddering breath from Nobunaga, whose eyes seemed to get wetter and wetter, slightly popping out from his skull. Under his hand, Shal felt him shake ever so slightly.

His discomfort must've shown on his face, because Nobunaga immediately looked away and coughed again, this time sounding more like he was choking on something. One hand came up to rub at his eyes and pinch the bridge of his nose. His cheeks were now tear stained, and he looked… worse. His face had started to flush. 

"I-I'm really sorry, fuck," he whispered out, voice raspy and strained. Shalnark didn't know what to say, terrified and shocked, and mumbled an it's okay in return. He wasn't sure how to process this, his usually quick mind turning blank on him.

Nobunaga seemed to fixate on some spot behind Shalnark, and he stared off towards it, breath not easing up and a few tears falling down his cheeks. Nervously, he licked his lips.

"I can't stop fucking thinking about him."

Shalnark was about to ask who, and then he realised. He didn't have anything to say, so he didn't say anything at all. Nobunaga must've taken that as a sign to keep going.

"It's like," a very shaky breath, "he was always there for me when I needed him, he always had my back when I was in trouble." Nobunaga shook his head, still staring off into space. It seemed more like he was talking to himself than Shalnark.

"Am I that fucking useless? That I couldn't even save my best friend? I couldn't participate in the requiem?" He paused to snort, still doing a bad job of holding back tears. "I couldn't even kill that fucking ugly chain user."

"That's not your fault, Nobu," Shalnark tried comforting him. "A-and the Boss had reasons for you to stay back at the base."

It seemed like his words went right over Nobunaga's head. "Why didn't I stop him?" He took a couple more deep, shuddering breaths, before his piercing gaze finally turned to Shalnark. The anguish lying in those hazel depths had switched to murderous rage, and a snarl formed across his mouth, his jaw shaking.

"Why the fuck didn't you stop him?"

All Shalnark could do was freeze up like a deer in headlights, his eyes growing wide.

"What are you even talking about?" he breathed, still trying to keep some sort of civility between them, deescalate the situation. It didn't work

"You were there with him that night, right?" Nobunaga's face scrunched up. "Why didn't you keep him from going, huh? Keep him from making such a stupid fucking decision?" He tucked his head between his knees again and let out a sob that managed to even hurt Shalnark. "Why didn't you… why didn't you at least go with him?"

Shalnark had answers to all those questions of course: because I can't stop someone who's 8'6"; because how was I supposed to know he'd end up dying; because why would I ever think he needed help, let alone the help of me. But that was not what Nobunaga needed to hear right now, that much he knew. What he didn't know was what he did need to hear.

"I, I um-" he started, but was quickly cut off by Nobunaga's hand scrunching up in the front of his t-shirt. He'd given himself to his emotions, shaking with full-body cries.

"Just shut the fuck up," he hissed, nearly choking on his own sobs. Tears fell from his face and added to the puddles at their feet, which Shalnark could hardly see behind Nobunaga's long hair, sitting in the same dirty water.

He felt bad, in a way, but mostly he felt very uncomfortable. When he invited Nobu out to go drink, he wasn't expecting him to have a meltdown. He hadn't prepared himself for that scenario, and instead squatted, mouth agape, shirt being given the same treatment as Nobunaga's ugly jeans.

Finally, the Enhancer paused, hiccups echoing his cries, he looked up, focusing on Shalnark's knee, and took a deep breath. "I feel awful."

Shal didn't know what to tell him. "I'm sorry."

It went unheard.

Suddenly, Nobunaga's eyes widened in horror, and he nearly fell onto his ass, catching himself at the last second. "I think I'm gonna be sick."

Then, he stood from his spot, knees cracking loudly, and turned away to puke on the pavement, drenching his upper body in the process. Shalnark watched as he stumbled back out of the rain, long hair sticking to him like a cat dunked into water. Nobunaga looked so… frail.

"Are you done?" the Manipulator asked bluntly, and the other man shrugged in return.

"My stomach still hurts."

Standing, Shalnark took it upon himself to hold Nobunaga's hair out of his face, feeling like maybe he was contributing somehow. He was keeping vomit from staining his hair, that must count for something, right? But when his companion pulled back up, shoes and face dirty, he looked ten times worse than before, both physically and emotionally. 

Nobunaga had these deep purple eyebags, Shalnark noted for the first time, now that he had a clear shot of his face. They stuck out against the yellow light and he wanted to recoil in disgust and fear, shocked at just how much he hadn't noticed, but he didn't.

"Do you want to go wash your face?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. I'll bring the car around back."

The bartender looked pissed when he came back in, talking angrily with what must have been her coworker next to his and Nobu's empty drinks. Luckily, Shalnark slipped through the crowd unnoticed, managing to snag someone's umbrella in the process, before hopping out the front door and up the steps. The three men from earlier had left, and the sidewalk was bare of any life, save for the occasional drowned plant that hadn't been brought inside before the storm. He stood for a moment and inhaled the scent of the city. Under the overwhelming smell of rain was gas, dirt, asphalt, cigarette smoke. Shalnark didn't smoke, but that almost made him want to.

He found the alleyway in record time, and as he slowly pulled in, he spotted Nobunaga standing in the same outcropping from earlier, the mess he'd made already mostly washed away by the rain. In his hands was a nearly finished cigarette, which he quickly discarded as Shalnark came up.

Nobunaga hopped into the car, face irritated and red and hair pulled into a low ponytail that covered his ears. It was surprisingly clean and dry, and Shalnark pointed that out as they sat there, listening to the rain pound against the top of the car.

"I, uh, put my hair under the faucet," he explained, "and then dried it off with one of those air dryers."

"Well it almost looks as good as before." Nobunaga nodded at the compliment.

"I don't… really want to go back to the hideout," he said after a moment of silence. "Not like this." Nobunaga fiddled with his jeans for a moment, and then added, "And I'm sorry you had to see that."

"It's fine," Shalnark smiled, not sure what else to do. It wasn't fine, nothing about this night was fine, but he could pretend it was. His hand ghosted over the gear shift.

"Do you want to stay here?"

"Fuck no," Nobunaga sighed, rubbing his hands over his eyes. "Anywhere but here." They both glanced out towards where they'd been standing. Thunder boomed in the background.

"Any ideas?" Shalnark asked, putting the car into reverse.

"You know the city pretty well, right?" Nobunaga turned to look at him. "Surprise me."

The drive to their destination was probably about half an hour, most of it weaving through city streets and on a short but windy stretch of countryside right out of Yorknew's city limits. Purple streaks of lightning continued to color the sky. The clock read one forty-five when he pulled up to their destination.

"I like coming out here to clear my mind," Shalnark smiled, still holding into the steering wheel despite the car being off. They were sitting on the cliffs north of Yorknew City, overlooking the giant metropolis. It had a perfect view of the lights which blended together in a mass of yellow and white. The murky gray clouds seemed closer, almost touchable, like if Shalnark climbed onto the roof of the car he'd be able to gently brush his fingertips through them. The car was far enough from the edge where they couldn't fall off, but could still see it. Near said edge was a single, sad tree.

"It's nice," Nobunaga mumbled, but his tone was approving enough where Shalnark felt like he'd picked correctly. He couldn't have picked more correctly.

"Can I smoke in here?"

Shalnark sighed, trying not to ruin the moment. "How many have you had tonight?"

"Dunno, not like I'm counting. And it's just tobacco this time, Shal. Don't worry." Nobunaga reached into his pocket to pull out the pack of cigarettes and opened it. There was only one left.

"Fuck."

Outside, it sounded like the rain was slowly starting to let up as the storm moved south.

"We can get you some more on our way home," Shalnark offered, and the Enhancer nodded solemnly, closing the pack and throwing it on the dashboard with the single cigarette still in it.

While Nobunaga stared out at the city below, Shalnark tapped his finger on his thigh. There was something missing from this, but he didn't know what. He'd never comforted someone before tonight, let alone done it successfully. His mind wandered, thinking about when they came to Yorknew months ago, or when he'd joined the Troupe, or when he went on his first mission for them. Oh, yeah, his first mission.

"Hey Nobu," he looked over and locked eyes with the Enhancer. "Remember when we went to Gocachi?"

"All those years ago? With the philanthropist?" He snorted. "'Course I do. It was your first time out with the Spiders." His tone seemed to have picked up a little bit.

"Yeah, just you and me in the big city. I'd never been out of Meteor before that." Shalnark waved his hands dramatically, like he was about to tell a long story.

"I know that."

"I know you do, I'm just reminding you. That was a pretty good time. Don't think the Boss has sent me on a mission like it since."

Nobunaga nodded in agreement. "God, we were so young, huh. That was when you got your Spider tat, right? And you cried like a baby."

"I didn't… I didn't cry like a baby, jackass," but it was good natured, and the corners of Nobu's mouth twitched for a second.

"I'd kill to go back to that day," he said, and pulled down the visor to stare at his goatee in the mirror, stroking the overgrown beard. "Wish I could go back and do a lot of things again."

"Me too," Shalnark admitted, and felt grossly vulnerable for a moment. "But, y'know, we can't."

"We can't," Nobunaga echoed, and breathed a deep sigh, sitting back in his seat. "This night fucking sucked."

"I-"

"But I'm glad for it," he continued. "Feels good to go out and feel things again. Feels good to be around… you."

Shalnark wasn't sure how that was meant to be taken, it was so sudden. Was that his terrible attempt at flirting, or expressing friendship? Maybe he'd just wait to see where it went.

"You don't have to suffer alone, you know," Shalnark said, studying Nobunaga's face. The sky lit up. Thunder crashed.

"Sure feels like it, like it's my punishment for not saving him." He refused to meet Shalnark's gaze, still staring ahead.

"What could you have done? Seen the future?" Shalnark snorted. "You did all you could. I didn't… I didn't even know exactly what he was planning. Uvogin is so unpredictable."

"An Enhancer through and through. Stubborn son-of-a-bitch." For the first time that night, Nobunaga smiled. It was a smile that actually reached his eyes, that creased his laugh lines and crinkled the small crow's feet on the sides of his face. His nostrils flared up and for a second it looked like he was about to start crying, but he didn't. Shalnark found himself smiling, too, a wave of relief flooding over him. Maybe this was the thing he was looking for.

"I loved him so much," Nobunaga whispered, and a single tear fell down his cheek, which he quickly wiped away. The smile didn't leave his face, though, and he turned his head to look back at Shalnark.

"I've been so lonely these past couple months."

"I know."

"And I'm going to have to go home to Meteor and live in that room all by my-damn-self." The smile turned a bit bitter, but stayed still.

"Maybe you shouldn't be thinking about this, Nobu," Shalnark suggested. "Think about something good. Just anything else."

"I'm not like you, Shal. I can't just stop thinking about something. When have I ever had that kind of self control?" He added the last part bitterly, and finally the smile vanished, but he didn't look angry, just disappointed.

"Can't believe I'm turning thirty this year, all by myself."

"I'll be there," Shalnark said, hoping it meant something to him.

"I hope you will be." They stared at each other momentarily, the rain outside sounding lighter by the minute. Nobunaga took deep breaths, and pursed his lips, before leaning in. 

"What are you doing?" Shalnark didn't lean away, and when the other didn't answer, he closed the gap.

It wasn't romantic. It felt gross and tense and Nobunaga's lips were chapped. But he refused to pull back, and when he felt the other push in, he refused to relent.

Doing his best not to break the kiss, he crawled across the front seat and into Nobunaga's lap, thinking this is where he wanted to go. He tasted awful, like cigarette with an undertaste of beer and puke. Shalnark had never felt less excited in his life, but as he wrapped his arms around Nobunaga's shoulders and the other put his hands on his hips, he understood this might be his only chance.

They sat like that for god knows how long, making out like two teenagers but too afraid to take it anywhere. The voice in the back of Shalnark's head told him any further was too far, and his fear of using his companion's emotional state to his advantage flashed back at the same time said companion pulled away.

Surprised, Shalnark complied, tilting his head to get a better look at him. Nobunaga looked down at their laps, before turning away to stare out the opposite window. There wasn't much of a mood to begin with, but it was definitely ruined now.

"This is fuckin' stupid," he grumbled. "Still feels like cheating after all this time." Taking the hint, Shalnark slowly climbed off him and struggled back into the driver's seat, disappointed but not upset.

"I'm not telling you to rush yourself," Shalnark sighed, pressing his numb lips together. He sort of wished Nobunaga would, but he was also aware that rushing that would just lead to even worse issues in the future.

"I know but, fuck, it's been nearly half a year and I still can't even move on a bit." Nobunaga shrugged, and reached over for the single cigarette in the box, rolling down the window and lighting it. The rain had stopped, but the storm still half-hovered over the city. He took a deep drag and blew it out the corner of his mouth, the smoke flying off in the direction of Yorknew. "How do you do it?"

"Do what?" Shalnark asked honestly.

"Just get over shit."

He thought for a moment. He knew the answer: he was usually disconnected a few steps from everything. If you don't get too attached, it wouldn't be too hard to just move on. He'd watched top many people suffer and die to care anymore, and he knew that maybe he should see someone about it, yrt at the same time understood its usefulness in his line of work. But there were a few things that had slipped through, like Meteor, or the Troupe, or Nobunaga.

"I don't know," was all he said, and Nobunaga seemed to mull those words over for a second, free hand playing with his jeans again.

"I really do like ya, Shal. But I just can't do this right now."

"Who said anything about it?"

"I did." The Enhancer sighed. "Don't want you to think I'm trying to lead you on."

"You've kinda been doing the opposite of that all night."

"I know." Shalnark knew he didn't.

The clock read two thirteen. In the rearview mirror, Shalnark could make out the beginnings of stars shining through the dark night. The thin branches of the tree in front of them swayed ever so slightly. It was peaceful.

"I'll always be here for you, Nobu," he said. He meant it.

"I'll… try to be there for you, too," Nobunaga smiled around his cigarette, the smell of which was slowly blocking out the scent of rain.

"You don't have to." Shalnark would never understand the other man completely, but maybe he could at least attempt to.

"I'm fully aware."

Nobunaga finished the cigarette, laying it in the ashtray.

"Now what?"

Shalnark stuck the keys in the car and turned it on, the engine roaring to life.

"Let's go get you those cigarettes, yeah?"


End file.
